What Do We Look For In Friendship

Friendship is a notion that is both simple, yet complex. It has been the subject of books, plays, sonnets, poems, courses, and films. A friend is something we all are, yet being a friend is something we all know we can do better. It is easy and hard, natural and contrived, again, simple and complex. Friends can make us laugh and cry, feel secure and vulnerable, even loving and livid.

What is this thing we call friendship and always take for granted? To understand friendship, and your role as a friend, ask yourself, what makes a good friend? What do we look for or expect in friendship?

When Jeff Fromknecht and I were working on our book, "Social Capital: The Key to Macro Change," (Lapress, 2014) we went through a process with folks we respected and here are some of the things we uncovered:

* Agreeable - we like people as friends who are positive and agreeable. We look for people with an "up" attitude.

* Flexible - Life is full of bends and twists. To this extent we want to be near people who are able to bend and flex.

* Available - Certainly we want people for friends who are available to be connected to us. This is not to say that we want undivided attention - only that we expect some access to those people we call friends.

* Listener - Because friendship is predicated on communication, we want friends who can listen to us, and are not judgmental.

* Non-demanding - We want our friends to not press us too much. Certainly we want some critiques from our friends, but we get uncomfortable when there are too many demands or challenges.

* Similarity - Although diversity can be the spice of life, we need some similarity to begin the bridging process. Think about any of your friends today - there was some similarity that started the friendship.

Now these are just some of the elements of friendship that we discovered. Of course there are others that you might come up with. In fact, it would not be a bad idea to make your own list. In some ways we can use these lists to help teach our children some of the basics of friendship; or more, for each of us to stay cognizant of in our own quest to be better friends.

Constantly on the Phone - Blame Social Capital

I do a lot of traveling in my work and have been interested in airport travel behavior.  More specifically, the constant cell phone use you see in all phases of travel.  Next time you are in the airport, pay attention to the number of people on their cell phones.  In Chicago the other day, virtually everyone I passed or saw sitting in the waiting areas in Midway were on their phone.

Initially this amused me as I thought these people, or the folks they are talking with can not be that important.  Perhaps it is boredom.  Anyone who spends time on the road know it is not glamorous as others may think.  There is constant down time, and the boredom can be amazing.  So maybe all these people on their phones are just bored - perhaps.

But the more I come to understand social capital, I am now coming to a new conclusion - this constant phone behavior is not boorish, but rather is caused by the power and potency of social capital.  We are so bonded with people that we need to "be" with them, even when we are gone.

Think about it - most of your travel calls are usually to/from family and friends.  Sure, we have the occasional business or professional call, but I would bet these pale in the face of the social relationship calls.  And, when we are not talking to friends, we are often surfing Facebook to see our friends lunch special, or read a rant they have about something or another.  This pulling power is caused by social capital and our cell/smart phones have now allowed us to harness and frame this power.

So the next time you travel and see everyone on their phones, don't shake your heads or be smug. Realize that we are all deeply influenced by our relationships and in a way, when we use our phones to connect with our social capital we are tending to the primitive urge of relating. 

50 Years Later

Recently I attended my 50th high school reunion. We had 180 of us who graduated as the last class from Stowe High School in 1966 (our districts were merged and in 1967 the Sto-Rox district was founded) and for our reunion some 55 classmates gathered together in our home town of McKees Rocks.

Although I stayed in my hometown after graduation and have lived in Stowe Two my entire life, most of our classmates moved on to other communities and/or states.  Some I would see from time to time, but most folks I hadn't seen since our 10th reunion in 1976.  It was an interesting and fun evening.

It also reminded me of how powerful early and regular experiences imprint on us.  As I roamed the banquet hall, spending time with this and that graduate I was beamed back to days in 1960 through 1966 when we were learning about life and how we fit into the greater community. We laughed and told stories, struggled to remember the details, and perhaps stretched the truth a bit when we reminisced.  In a way a lifetime had passed, yet it seemed like yesterday we reveled in the innocence of these days gone by.

These folks, representing some of my longest social capital, though we had gone on to our own paths, were bonded in the world of our collective memories. We hugged, laughed and even shed tears for the 48 graduates who were no longer with us.  Our personalities and, in a way, our character, was forged in our collective experiences.

After the celebration, we all went on to our present worlds, but this short pause, this opportunity to go back to these days gone by, served us well.  It helped me appreciate these long lost aspects of our social capital, and to recognize that the person I am today is vested in the people that I spent so much time with all those many years ago at Stowe High School.

Changing the World, by Joining the World

Recently I had the opportunity to keynote the "Every Day Lives" Conference in Harrisburg PA.  This annual gathering, hosted by the PA Department of Public Welfare, is one of the largest gatherings in PA of disability advocates, providers, self-advocates and families in our state.  The Every Day Lives agenda is that folks with disabilities should have the opportunity to live and do the same things that everyone else does.

My talk was focused on the fact that in spite of all the good intentions of services and programs for people with disabilities in Pennsylvania (and around the country and world) we have still not achieved a parity for people experiencing disabilities in every day life.  To this end, I suggested we must shift our thinking and actions from the current "micro" programs designed for disability, to a "macro" approach designed to change the world.  My premise was that the only way we can truly change the world, is by assisting people with disabilities to be a part of the world.  This means joining generic clubs, groups, and associations, and lessening (and nultimately phasing out) the separate programs and services currently offered.

Of course, this is not easy and will require the funding and goodwill of government entities, the refocus of current disability services, and the openness of the greater community.  We know that the laws and regulations all suggest that people with disabilities be a more natural part of community, still we mostly have a bifurcated reality - offset programs for people with disabilities, and the rest of the world.

I am convinced that the greater community will not really change, even with the regulatory and legal prompts, until everyday people begin to meet and build relationships with folks who have disabilities. When this happens, and people build friendships, minds and hearts will change.  Indeed, we will change the world, when people with disabilities join the world.

In fact, I think this is true with any type of diversity. The way to a truly inclusive world for any devalued or misunderstood group is when everyday people get to know them.  Through friendships and relationships we change the world.

Settings and Small Talk

Most folks who know me, know of my passion related to social capital. It is an area I have studied, researched, discussed, and written/talked about over the years. It is also an area that we have made central to our work at CLASS (www.classcommunity.org). And the drive behind this passion is simple. First, social capital is a concept for all of us; everyone's lives are enhanced through relationships. Further, it is through our relationships that we grow, learn, and broaden our perspectives - we actually become better people.

When I am invited to talk about social capital, or when people read my books/writings (Social Capital: The Key to Macro Change, LApress, 2015) I am often asked; "I get this concept and theory, but how do I start to make it happen(or how can I help people I support start)"?  It is a good, and important question; and it leads me to the topic of this blog. "Settings and Small Talk."

If you think of any/all current relationships in your life, you can track them back to some setting or place where you met that person. Somehow, someway, there was someplace that mattered! A setting is a place, a venue, where people might gather with some commonality or theme that is relevant to all.  In fact, if you think about the current settings that you frequent this framework might come to life.  Are these settings you frequent hospitable; are they welcoming? Are they accessible?  If you were a newcomer, how would you feel?  Are they attractive or accepting of new people?  More, have you thought about how you behave when a newcomer steps into your settings?

The second aspect is "Small Talk." All of us know that small talk is the initial elixir for relationship building. And small talk is a big issue. Think about the way you initiate with new people in your settings?  What do you say first?  What are safe topics? What are the topics that might throw up a red flag with you?  There is an art to small talk; and given that these conversations are the very first introduction to a new person, they become critically antecedent to a possible new relationship in your life.

Of course, social capital is a complex subject, with lots of variables and moving parts, but without a setting, and the initial small talk it is only a concept. Settings and small talk become the start point in social capital theory.

So think about settings - where can you meet people; and what is the premise behind the setting? And then once there, what is the best way to use small talk to begin to meet new people.  If this resonates, then social capital with that new person is possible.

Social Capital Timeline

As we continue to look at the concept of social capital, the importance of relationships gets more clearly into view. We know that the more relationships in our life, the greater advantages we reap from these connections.  We also know that these relationships benefit both parties immensely.

These realities have caused me to think about those important relationships we hold, but more, the long term relationships in our lives. Now folks who know me, know that I live on "Condeluci Hill" just across the street from the home I was born in.  I am surrounded by my family and still have dear friends from first grade.  My wife and I met in high school, and her family is larger and more intense than my own.  I have lived in my community for some 68 years.

In thinking about this I have recently developed a social capital analysis strategy I call the "social capital timeline."  Quite simply it is a listing of relationships in your life in a chronological order. That is, starting with your longest held relationships and moving forward in time, you list the people you are friends with, and the year you initiated that friendship.  By doing this you get a sense of the not just the important connections in your life, but the length and stability of your social capital.

Further, this exercise makes some strong statements about the value of loyalty. The friends you identify in your "social capital timeline" and especially those over 15 or 20 years are ones that are not only loyal but have stood the test of time.  So stop for a moment now and think about these long term friends.  Relish in the fact that these friends are your most loyal and have played an important role in shaping the person you are today!

Age and Wisdom

Often, when I am doing training related to change, I use a values clarification exercise that asks the person to identify their top values from a list of 60 possible values.  The respondent is asked to first identify their top 10, then to pare down to top 5, then 3, and finally identify the most important value.  The listing of values is comprehensive, and the exercise is very hard to do, given all the competing values listed.

One value on the list, and one that was important to me when I first did the exercise, is "wisdom." I have always valued wisdom, and have been drawn to people I consider "wise."   This notion of wisdom has gotten me to think about important value. 

First, what is wisdom?  How does it manifest?  How do you know someone is wise?  And when does wisdom unfold?  How does it accumulate?  Is it just a notion related to experiences, or is there more to it?

Often we associate wisdom with age.  We know that as we get older, we do get wiser based on the experiences we have over time.  Yet, wisdom is more than just the experiences in life, as we all know older people who we consider wise, and others who we would not identify as wise. 

So what is it that makes someone wise. Is it the thoughtful reflection and adjustments made to the experiences we have in life?  Is it the mellowness that follows the aging process - a type of gentleness fused through experiences?

In a way, wisdom is one of those values that we can't fully define - but, we know it when we see it.  So the next time you are with one of those people you consider to be wise, step back and think about what is manifesting with that person.  Try to learn from this and maybe, just maybe, you will find wisdom yourself!

The Old and The New

I was at a meeting the other day with some fellow  disability/aging advocates and an astute foundation director. We were there to pitch a project we call "Age (all) Friendly Community." It is actually an initiative of the World Health Organization (WHO) designed to promote an accessible, and hospitable community so that all people (including seniors and people with disabilities) can be a natural part of the mix.

In the conversation, our foundation friend said that often they hear ideas today that were initiated years earlier. She said something like "what is old can often become new" and this statement got me to think. When we look to advance some innovative idea, often they are rejected, not because the idea is flawed, but because the current system may just not be ready for the idea.

There are countless examples of this phenomena - when the system is just not ready for the new idea. In his book, "The Innovators," Walter Issacson articulates this to a tee.  He looks back in history and the literature to find the very first reference to a personal computer. He discovered that in 1837 Lady Byron of England wrote about a personal "analytic machine."  Remarkable not only because of the date, but also because it came from the writings of a women - very rare in the scientific field at that time. Still, this was some 135 years before the initiation of the personal computer.

I am also called to reflect on this phenomena in my own writings. Back in 1990, in my first book, "Interdependence," I attempted to articulate a macro perspective in human services. It amazes me that the themes I wrote about in that book, some 26 years ago, are now being taken more seriously.

So the moral to this story is to go back in time, find some of the ideas you were pitching years ago, and see if the system might be better suited today for these ideas. It might be that your rejected ideas could be ready for prime time. Remember, what is old can become new - especially if it was too innovative when you introduced it to the world.

Beyond Difference - 20 Years Later

In 1996, on the heels of my first book, "Interdependence: The Route to Community" (CRC Press, 1991), I published my second book, "Beyond Difference" (CRC Press, 1996).  This effort was a more personal follow-up to "Interdependence," and allowed me to ponder the impact of difference in our lives and in our communities.

The overall thesis of this work, and of "Interdependence" before it, was that the key to rehabilitation is not to change or fix difference, but to promote that community (or culture) get beyond the polarizing effects of difference.  It is more of a macro perspective to change, rather than the still common "micro" actions of dealing with the difference.  In a way it introduced the notion that if you can not fix or change the difference that seems to be the problem, how might the world around us change to accept the difference?

For the work we do at CLASS (www.classcommunity.org) this macro perspective sheds a new light. Most of the people we support have disabilities (or differences) that can not be fixed, no matter how hard we might try.  They are who they are. So how do we support these same people to become members of their communities?  Do they need to change - or should the change occur with everyday people around them?  In other words, how do we help typical people in community get beyond the difference they see with disabilities?

In honor of the 20th anniversary of "Beyond Difference," I have been re-reading this book.  This effort has both saddened - and emboldened me.  Sad in that it has been 20 years, a full generation, since its publication, and we (our communities) have still polarized people with disabilities and other differences.  On the positive side, however, I am more emboldened to continue the macro effort to promote culture change.  It is not our differences that divide us, but the judgments we hold about these differences that do!

So if you are so inclined, and this seems of interest to you, track down this book.  You can easily find some used editions for as little as 3 or 4 dollars on Amazon.  Just go to www.amazon.com and type my name in the search bar.  If you do, and get a chance to read "Beyond Difference" let me know what you think.

Rituals - Understanding the Things that Connect Us!

Often, when I am doing presentations on relationships and social capital, I frame the process in 4 interconnected steps.  The start point is to bridge similarities, but when we find settings where people gather who have similar interests as us, we need to come to understand the rituals that drive the group.

Rituals are deep-rooted behaviors that the community holds as important. They are behaviors that have become so established in the culture that people hardly recognize them when they occur. But they do recognize when a member of the community does not follow them. They can be formal or informal, but they matter to the members, and they signal a connectedness or similarity with the other members when they occur.

Think about the various communities in your life, like work, or church, or even with your family. There are expected behaviors that have come to be developed in that community that people follow or engage in. When you first started to work at your present situation, probably someone oriented you to the company and job. In this process, they were teaching you the rituals of the setting. In a way this orientation is to help assure your success in the new setting, and knowing, then following the rituals help set the stage for cultural success.

A perfect setting to get familiar with rituals is at church. Even if you are not a regular church-goer, you can understand how ritualistic church services are. In my experience, from the holy water and first sign of the cross, to the standing, kneeling, sitting, and singing, all the members follow and manifest the rituals.

The key thing about rituals, however, is that they really signal elements of similarity with the other members. They continue to reinforce the bridge between people that are fundamental to relationship building.

So the next time you are at a regular community (family events, work settings, clubs, groups, or associations), stay cognizant of the rituals. Try to identify them, and realize the role they play in connecting us to others.

On Being A Citizen

Every year, when election season rolls around we are reminded of the importance of citizenship. We all know that for a democracy to be successful, all citizens need to do their part. Yet, how many of us have thought about citizenship, or what it takes to be a good citizen.

In the work we do at CLASS (Community Living and Support Services - www.classcommunity.org) we are always looking to have people think about citizenship and taking part in civic engagement. With the rights we have as citizens comes responsibilities we must also uphold. In a recent discussion with some colleagues at CLASS we conducted an exercise to uncover some of the key elements of good citizenship.  In this process we discovered the following elements that ranked high:

* Informed - Your can not vote responsibly or testify publicly if you are not informed. Practicing good citizenship requires good, accurate information.

* Active - For democracy and citizenship to work, it takes action on our part - action to vote, to attend public meetings, and to speak out.

* Responsible - Good citizens take things seriously and are responsible. When election day comes they vote; if a community meeting is held, they attend.

* Sensitivity - Citizenship is about society. We are a collection of people, and the welfare of each of us is vested in the welfare of all of us. Good citizens care about their neighborhood, community, and country.

So what is your take on good citizenship? What might be missing from this list? What other variables might you add to the mix?  More, what are you planning to do to be a better citizen. A successful community, one that is caring and respectful, is dependent of all of us to do our parts.

Friendship is for Everyone

Recently I heard from a friend of mine, a passionate disability advocate, who reminded me that the United Nations General Assembly has designated July 30th as the "5th International Day of Friendship. They (the UN) feel this designation will help promote peace through friendship.

The notion of friendship is a critical one to all of us.  In fact, friendship is often a concept that is thought to be so simple that it hardly merits any deep study or discussion. We all know that friendships are important but rarely do we ever think we have to work at the concept. However, the notion of friendship is critical, and especially for people who have experienced a disability, and there is much for us to consider.

Sociologists use the term, "social capital" to describe friendship. To the academics the term "capital" is one that relates to resources that can advance or promote a profit. They speak of physical capital referring to things life land or machinery. Economic capital might refer to goods or service that drive an economy. "Human capital" is often thought to b the people needed to do the work to create the goods or services.

Social capital, however, in the eyes of academics, suggests the connectedness among and between people. Research is now convincing that the more social capital people have in their lives, the better their lives become. We know that social capital is linked to health, happiness, and - listen to this - life expectancy! That is right - social capital, or friendship is antecedant to the 3 highest quality of life indicators know to humankind - health, happiness, and longevity!

Now this is powerful stuff and has real implications for all of us. We know as well that social isolation (the opposite of social capital) is one of the biggest challenges that people with disabilities and their families fear. This has been continually verified in our experiences at CLASS (www.classcommunity.org) and is now being looked at in the literature.

You don't have to dig too deep to understand the reality of social isolation as it relates to disability. We hear and see, in vivid ways, that people with disabilities have less friends and social opportunities than people without disabilities. In fact, in 2012 a Community Engagement Survey was conducted by the Interdependence Network (www.buildingsocialcapital.org) showing that people with disabilities have nearly two-thirds - yes, 66% less - social capital than their able-bodied peers.

This is powerful and penetrating finding - and begs for some basic answers and actions.

And like most vexing questions, the answers are simple, yet complex; but the actions should be clear. All people are better when they have more social capital - yet people with disabilities have less social capital - so what can we (you) do to help in this challenge.

To me the first action is to recognize, and admit this void exists. Next is to act on it - if you are a disability advocate, push for more understanding and action in the area of social capital.  If you are a family member of someone with a disability, demand that the agencies you relate to recognize the importance of social capital and help you with this issue. If you are a citizen with no real connection to the disability community, open your eyes (and heart) and consider building friendships with folks experiencing disabilities. Not only with they benefit, but you will be amazed with how this will enhance your life.

Sharing Ideas

I was recently in Key West with my family and some dear friends.  We had a wonderful time exploring the island, and joining in on the frivolity of Duval St.  We ate some outstanding food, especially seafood, heard some great music, and found some amazing beaches.  Watching the sunset in Mallory Square with all the other revelers was great.

But for me, the high point was visiting the Hemingway House. You literature geeks probably know, Ernest Hemingway lived in Key West for 10 years or so during the 30's and did some of his best writing there.  He would write in the mornings, and then troll the bars and clubs the rest of the day. He shared his home on Whitehead St., with his family and some 6-toe cats, where their descendants (the 6-toe cats) still live.  The house tour was fantastic (if you like that kind of thing) and for me brought me back to my early college years in the 60's.  I remember as a college freshman at Youngstown State University reading Hemingway and marveling at his quick prose, and descriptions done so crisp and clear.

As the son of a writer (my dad wrote and was the editor of our local newspaper) I have always had a drive to write and to this day, love the opportunity to share ideas in writing.  Of course, in this day and age, it seems that writing (and reading) are becoming a lost art. With YouTube and quick references of Wikipedia, the art of reading is becoming a bit lost.

Still, it seems that when I read something, as opposed to watching a clip, or hearing something, I am so much more impacted.  Neurologists feel that this is driven by the brains ability to see, or interpret what you are reading makes a deeper impression.  To this end, reading will always trump the other options for gaining and understanding new information.

So the next time you want to share an idea, remember Hemingway. Think about what you want to share and be quick with your prose, and clear and distinct with your points.  People will understand your idea in a much more impactful way!

Levels of Relationships

As we have come to learn more about relationships and social capital, sociologists have come to discover that there are 3 levels to our connections. In a way you can think about this from a circle diagram.  The outermost dimension, sort of like the crust circle on a pie, is the zone of acquaintanceships.  These are the initial relationships we develop as we come to meet people.

As people spend more time together (referred to as "regularity") and find more similarity beyond the issue that led to their introduction, these relationships tend to strengthen. This level, the zone of engagement begins to find people doing more things together. Back to our pie image, this zone of engagement is like the half circumference of pie, where you start to get into the fruit.

The last level, and the deepest, is the covenant zone.  Here we have people that we love and trust; those who are most important to us. We have come to know these people well, and they have a deeper sense of importance in our lives. In the pie metaphor, this is the center part; the juiciest section. Here the fruit is deep and plenty.

And staying with the image of a pie, the slices of a pie would represent the places (or communities) where we meet people and find the regularity of exchange. The crust is the largest quantity, the middle section is next largest, and the center, where the most important relationship rest, is the smallest.

And so, what about you; can you think about people who fall in these 3 levels of relationships in your life? Think back to how you met, and review what it was that made your connection get deeper. The more we think about our social capital, the more we will come to understand the importance of other people in our lives.

Stigma - The Negative Relegations of Difference

I am on a work team in Pittsburgh that just finished up a grant we are submitting to the National Institute of Health that looks at stigma and disability.  In working on this grant I have been doing a fair amount of research and study on the phenomenon of stigma, and wanted to share some of this with you.

Erving Goffman, who wrote a definitive book by that same title in 1963, defined stigma as "the situation of the individual who is disqualified from full social acceptance."  Some sociologist suggest that stigma, and its consequences, can lead to deep embarrassment and varying levels of social isolation.  To this end it has internal, and external ramifications.

Over the years, scales have been developed to attempt to measure stigma and one study that I reviewed had a series of questions that I thought might be interesting to you.  Think about these questions in relationship to your life.

All of these questions start with the phrase, "Because of my condition, illness, or disability, I...."   

feel emotionally distant from other people - feel left out of things - feel embarrassed in social situations - worry about others attitudes toward me - worried that I was a burden on others - feel different from others - feel people seem uncomfortable with me - feel people avoid me - feel people make fun of me - feel people avoid looking at me - feel strangers tend to stare at me - feel people tend to ignore my good points - feel unhappy about how I look -  feel embarrassed because of my physical limitations......

Most of us can remember experiences where we felt different or out of sorts and for the great majority of us, found ways to get beyond these situations.  Yet, for many people, their situations dictate they must deal with the difference they experience, and feel these devaluing issues everyday of their life.

Stigma is lethal and antecedent to bad things happening in social situations.  The more we think about, and try to understand it, the more we can work to stamp it out in peoples lives.

Social Rituals

CLASS just recently had our 65th Annual Meeting and upheld most of the traditions and actions we have done in past years.  This meeting, and the annual aspects of this gathering got me to think about the importance of continuity and rituals in everyday life.

In thinking about relationships and social capital we know that similarity and regularity are 2 key features that are at the core of "bridging and bonding."  When people see and experience similarity it creates a connection.  Such is the case with rituals.  When we come to know what is expected of us in social situations, the rituals, patterns, jargon and such, these social activities signal a similarity to other people in the culture, and fuel the endorsement and penetration of the new person into the culture.

These social rituals also add to the memory and the depth of the group.  At our annual meeting this year, we gave an award, honored retiring board members, welcomed new people to the fold, and cemented another chapter in the life path of the organization.  All of these things build memory and add to the lure of the culture.  As new members experience these rituals, they will be added to the memory and hasten their alignment with the organization.

So what about your community groups; what are their rituals and expectations?  Does the group work to include new members and help them understand these important elements?  More, what can you do as a member of the group to assure that new members feel welcomed and involved in the culture and social rituals?

Quotes - Life Lessons Simplified

Over the years, in most of the things I have written, or talks I have given, I have peppered them with quotes.  I love quotes, and how they can simplify really important issues in a couple of sentences.  To this end, I have been compiling quotes that align with some newer things I am working on now, and thought I would share these in this blog.  See what these say to you.

"Things which matter the most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least"  Goethe

"You can go without marriage, justice or honor, but friendship is indispensable" Cicero

"Ubunthu - I am what I am because of who we all are"  African Concept

"Of all the things which wisdom provides to make us entirely happy, much of the greatest is the possession of friendship"  Epicurus

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required. And, from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded"  Luke 12:48

"In the end we are all separate. Our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge. We are drawn to each other because of our similarities, but it is our differences we must learn to respect"  Goethe

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for these people who rekindle our inner spirit"  Schweitzer

"To be lonely is to feel unwanted and unloved, and therefore unlovable. Loneliness is a taste of death"  Vanier

Life is short, so think about these quotes and what they mean to you. The more you reflect on your life, the closer you get to your own humanity.

Passages - a Test of Social Capital

I just downloaded the new book by Sebastian Hunger, "Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging," which examines the impact of brotherhood and belonging.  A key element in Junger's thesis is that the power of the relationships formed, especially in military situations, create this amazing bonds.  Yet, when soldiers muster out of the military, and are separated from their "brothers," there can be a deep and difficult void.

This book has me thinking about the notion of passages in our lives, and how these junctures cause 2 strong reactions.  That is, when we find ourselves leaving any known experience, and moving on to a new experience, there can be major voids we have to face.  They also cause us be in situations where we have to form new relationships.  Think about it.

Graduation from high school, and moving on to college - taking a new job in a new city - leaving the military for civilian life - retiring from work - all of these are major passages that many of us have faced, or may face in our lives.  And these situations will test us, not just in leaving a known experience, but in causing us to forge new relationships.

The bottom line however, is that we all need to belong - to be part of a tribe - to be a acknowledged, accepted, and appreciated.  And none of us are exempt.

Passages test us, but building social capital in the new experience is key to belonging, and most of the time new tribes can take us to better places.

Finding The Third Way

I am teaching my Human Relations class at the University of Pittsburgh this semester and am preparing for my next class.  The course looks at all facets of human relations and I am using Steven Covey's book, "The 8th Habit."

The premise for our class tomorrow is that in every relationship we encounter some form of conflict - and these conflicts can cause serious problems in relationships that are important to us.  Often conflicts can stem from silly, or mundane issues, yet the fact that most of our relationships emanate from an emotional perspective makes these conflicts hard to resolve.

When conflicts unfold most people can dig deeper into to their perspective, which differs from the other person's perspective; thus the conflict!  So often the nub of the conflict is that people don't want to let go, and if they do, it appears that they are losing.  This comes out as a win-lose perspective.  A compromise here is that people might "give in" this time, but then expect that the other person in the relationship will give in the next time.  These kinds of compromise however, never really strengthen a relationship.

In "The 8th Habit," Covey talks about a third way.  Not your way, or my way, but a third way is sought out when a conflict arises.  This notion of a "third way" is what frames a win-win philosophy.

Yet, finding a third way is not easy. It takes work, and empathic listening, to really understand the other person's perspective, and then being willing to let go of your own agenda to help frame a third way.

So what about you.  Have you thought about how you might find a third way when conflicts unfold in your life?

Do You Have to be Social, to Build Social Capital?

For the past 50 years sociologists have closely studied the notion of social capital.  Most of this research has looked at the benefits of our relationships.  Indeed, the very moniker, "social capital," is defined as the value we reap though the relationships in our lives.  In these studies we know that people are healthier, happier, achieve more, feel more self confident, and even live longer because of their social capital.  These are powerful findings.

Yet, in my work with social capital, I have been more interested in how people, who are socially isolated, can build more relationships.  This is more of a practical focus on social capital, yet a critical one.  If we know that life is better with relationships, and we know that some people, due to their situation, are isolated, the key focus for me is in finding ways people can build social capital.

In our book, "Social Capital: The Key to Macro Change," Jeff Fromknecht and I look at a variety of ways and means for relationships to be developed.  e even frame a 4 step process that is associated with social capital.

Yet, in some situations, people are just not social.  In fact, given their condition, may have an aversion to other people or social situations.  This baits the question, can non-social people build social capital?

This is a complex issue, but I believe the answer is "yes." My rational for this answer is found in the fact that most relationships are not always 50/50.  Think about it.  There are times when you give way more than you take; or when you don't give very much at all, yet the relationship sustains.

Of course this is not as simple as the statement I just made; there is so much more that needs to be considered or explored.  Still, it offers a start point for consideration.  Even folks with a social aversion can build relationships that can reap valuable benefits, but this requires more from the second person.

So keep an eye on this blog as we explore some finer aspects of social capital.  In the end, relationships can happen for any of us.